Illusions
by E.R.H
Summary: May contain spoilers. Edith's illusion of Michael starts to unravel and she has to deal, not only with some truths, but with the consequences of their relationship. Facing the prospect of her life changing forever who will she turn to? "I'm not a bit sorry." "No you don't look sorry but you might find yourself feeling very sorry later."
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: _

_May Contain spoilers. Edith's illusion of Michael starts to unravel and she has to deal, not only with some truths, but with the consequences of their relationship. Facing the prospect of her life changing forever who will she turn to?_

* * *

"There you are." Rosamund turned round on her chair unsure how to broach the subject. "Well you don't look too bad. I thought you might be a little worse for wear."

"Why should I be?" Edith asked feeling unsettled by the look on her aunts face. She could feel her face burning and hoped she didn't notice.

"After only 2 hours sleep. " Edith's smile faulted for a second as Rosamund lowered her tone of voice. "My maid saw you come in. Aren't you going to tell me what kept you out until six in the morning?"

"Well we..." She trailed off. Her smile now gone as she looked to the floor. She had not thought she would have to explain her self. Her eyes met Rosamunds as her sharp tone pierced the silence.

"Please don't say you were talking and you lost track of time. Quite apart from the morality-or lack of it in this situation. You do realise you are taking a great risk? You're trusting this man with your name and your reputation."

Edith suddenly felt very angry. _Why should she be judged? Why could her judgment not be enough?_ She almost spat out her words. "He wants to marry me, of course I trust him."

"As you trusted Sir Anthony Strallan?"

"That was rather unkind." Edith said feeling wounded. She refused the thoughts of Anthony that started to cloud her mind. She turned to Rosamund using a tone just as harsh. "Are you going to tell Mama?"

"No. You're a grown woman and I'm not a spy." Edith could have laughed if it were not for what she said next. "But your gambling with your future my dear. Be under no illusions. A lot may be changing but some things will stay the same."

Edith was feeling more angry then anything else. She knew she was trying to protect her but only for the sake of the family. "I'm not a bit sorry."_ Would she ever be able to convince her self of that?_

"No you don't look sorry but you might find yourself feeling very sorry later."

With that Rosamund got up and left the room leaving Edith feeling very guilty and very unsure. He was going to marry her, he had said so. _I can not possibly be jilted again could I?_ _Some things will stay the same._ She suddenly felt very sick and realised that she hadn't even considered the possibility of being pregnant. Dismissing the thoughts from her mind she rose from the sofa to return to her room. _She couldn't possibly have fallen for the wrong man again, could she?_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: _

_Thank you for the reviews and all the follows! I'm trying to get back into writing again but finding it rather difficult so thank you for all your nice comments they are my encouragement!_

* * *

_"Are we going out tonight? Rose was talking about the new band at the lotus club." She had asked full of excitement. Rose seemed was such an example of what a "bright young thing" was. She had wanted that and she wanted her parents to see didn't need them as much as they thought._

_"Hmmm well no I hadn't planned on going anywhere." He had looked away from her down at the desk and she was feeling rather nervous. As much as she had enjoyed kissing him and that's what a "bright young thing" would do she felt it wasn't proper to take it further. That's where she knew it was heading._

_"No?" Her voice had shaken as he had finally turned to her._

_"No." That's when he had kissed her but she hadn't been so sure as the other times. She hadn't felt so bright or young anymore. The voice in her head had screamed at her telling her to stop._

_"Michael I..."_

_"Oh my darling."_

Although she was in her full evening wear she had laid down on her bed staring at the ceiling. She closed her eyes not wanting to remember that night. _How could I have been so stupid?_ _Why did I not listen to that voice in my head?_ Thoughts of Mary were annoying her more than anything. Not only was she the one who was now classed damaged goods, she was a hypocrite too. Her thoughts turned back to that night, he had seemed like he loved her. _Wasn't that what people did when they were in love?_ She wasn't sure her heart could break anymore. No, her heart wasn't broken just bruised. She would have to go to London again. She was feeling rather unwell and wasn't sure she could face her family. She felt like she was coming down with flu but she knew it was much worse than that. Deep down she knew she was pregnant. Every side wards glance or comment she felt like they knew. It was almost as if the guilt was spilling out her pores. _No of course no one would guess the truth. Poor old Edith would never get her self in this situation._ She had been so proud of being a modern woman now all she wanted to be was that poor old Edith, Anthony's Edith..._no don't think of that sweet man._ Hearing a knock on the door and seeing her mother enter her dimly lit bedroom she sighed heavily.

"We're about to go in." Food was the last thing on her mind, she would have to see the doctor in London. Her mother seeing something wasn't quite right sat on the bed next to her daughter. "You're not still worrying about that Mr Gregson are you?"

Edith wasn't sure how much they knew about her relationship with him. Her mother had said he was probably busy when she voiced her concern. She had remembered that he had wanted to write a novel but about what she didn't know. Thoughts of him were going round her head in a figure of 8. Worry turning to anger then back to worry. _How could she plan anything about the possibility of her being pregnant without him there?_

"It seems that he's just vanished into thin air. I don't think I'll come down tonight mama I'm not feeling too well." She wanted to change the subject. She wanted to change the subject forever until it went away.

"I'm not surprised. All this worrying and rushing backwards and forward to London. I'm sure he is fine." She said resting her hand on her daughters. It made Edith feel very uncomfortable. She couldn't look her in the eye anymore.

"I'll be back up in London in the next few days."

* * *

Edith felt guilty for being so down when her fathers birthday was approaching but so far her enquiries in London had led to nothing. She refused to believe he had left her. She couldn't even put it together in her mind. She wouldn't. She was sure something was going to turn up. The police officer she spoke to that morning didn't seem too concerned even though they hadn't found anything new. Thoughts of her doctors visit was haunting her too, she felt her head was so full it could burst. She looked up at the clock behind the desk in front of her. It was a horrible building. Cold and grey walls. She shivered hoping this would be one place she would never end up. She looked down at the crumpled bit of paper in gloved hand. The ink had smudged slightly in the rain but she had managed to find the asylum rather easy. Shoving the bit of paper in her bag she glanced at the clock again. She would have to catch her train soon. She didn't know what she was expecting of this visit but she had to find something. Hearing the click of heels on the stone floor she looked up at the middle aged woman who she had spoken to moments before. She spoke trying to stop her voice from shaking.

"I know I'm not strictly family. I just wondered if her husband has been to see her..." She trailed off meeting the confused gaze of the nurse.

"I'm afraid that we don't have a Mrs Gregson staying with us miss."

She was sure the room was spinning in that moment. She suddenly felt very faint and wasn't sure the floor under her was stable. _Why would he lie? Was he even married? Where was he now?_ She spoke her mouth going dry.

"I'm sorry but you must be mistaken. Maybe she left?"

"I'm sorry but according to our records there has never been an Elizabeth Gregson admitted here. Are you quite sure it was this hospital?"

She was so very sure. He had only spoken of the name of the asylum once. _If he had lied to her about his wife being a lunatic why would he say such an obvious lie?_ Her heart sank. _He knew I was stupid enough not to check._ Thanking the nurse she made a quick exit out on to the wet street. Refusing to believe it, unable to breath. The rain mixing with her tears. She felt lost in a haze as she dashed across the road trying to escape the rain. Rushing into a doorway she was surprised to feel someone next to her, sheltering against the downpour. She looked up at the tall figure as she spoke tripping over her words.

"I'm sorry I..." Her words faded, drowned out by the loud crash of the rain hitting the building and cars. She was sure her heart had stopped in that moment as her eyes met with the familiar face. "Anthony..."


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Hello everyone._

_Just a short chapter for now but hoping to update more next time. __Thank you for reading. _

* * *

He stared at her across the table in the small tea room. She had almost seemed shocked to see him and he had used it to his advantage, talking her into taking tea with him before she could remember how angry she was. He glanced out of the window, steamed up with mist and rain he knew he had nothing to distract him self with and looked straight at her. _God she looked so beautiful._ His heart felt so heavy and his mind so guilty. They had not uttered two words to each other since that day. To him all the regret had built up repeating its self like a horror show. His heart crashed as he rested his hand on hers and she flinched. Placing his hand back on the safety of his tea-cup he spoke.

"I had hoped to talk to you for a long time. Edith I..."

"I have a train to catch."

She said cutting him off. Not intentionally or to be rude. How his hand had been on hers made her suddenly realise how comfortable she felt with him. Maybe she still felt numb that's why the pain hadn't worsened, why she felt at ease. They had spent a mere five minutes together but he had been so attentive. _Was it because he had sensed something was wrong?_ She felt new fresh anger making its way to the surface, hurting as it did so.

"We would be married now and I... I just wanted you to know I was a fool."

"No Anthony you we're not." Her eyes cached his taking his breath with it. "You were having a knee jerk reaction that everybody has when they get close to me."

She felt hot and sick. She had given far too much away. _Why do I not feel more angry?_ She had missed him so much but hated it at the same time. _Why must I always be so conflicted?_

He watched her carefully wanting to know what she was thinking, what was so wrong. Everything poisoned and so wrong now and all his doing. After the wedding there had been no contact. It had felt like she was slipping away, out of his life and then he had stopped bumping into her when ever he went out. Fate finally giving up on them. _I shouldn't feel so depressed about it._ After all she was doing what he had asked._ No, _he hadn't asked it out right but they both had known that he thought she should move on with her life. She had and now it was just too much. Heartbreak is never even. One person always ends up with more cracks and bruises on their heart then the other. _You must stop complaining. She's going to be happier with him then she ever would be with you._ He had told him self over and over hoping one day he would belive it. Her new beau, if the gossips were to be believed, was a nice enough chap. A publisher, from London. He would have been happy for her if she were happy but deep down he didn't think she was. _Was it selfish to hope she was as unhappy as he was?_

"Edith please tell me what's wrong." Her small laugh caught him off guard.

"It just goes to show how much better you know me then I ever knew you. within moment of talking with me you knew something was wrong. I unfortunately don't have the same insight as you. For example I didn't know you were going to run out of the church."

"To be honest I don't think I knew either."

Their eyes met both hazy with tears. Every day she would not be far from his thoughts and he felt he might go mad if he did not see her again. Seeing her as miserable as he was made him ache._ Was this a sign he should leave her alone?_ No, fate had always tried to push them apart, even her family had tried. He was not willing to be the gentleman he had so badly hoped to be. He had such a deep feeling of dread to leave it in such a tangled mess.

"I'm finding this all rather upsetting if we are being honest with each other." she said sniffling slightly, embarrassed. After all the humiliation and pain he had caused her she didn't want him to think it was forgotten so easily. No matter how much she needed him now. The only one who would understand and not judge.

"You want me to keep my distance?" He asked gravely.

"Not forever..."

"Just not now." He said slowly, filling in the painful gaps.

"Not now."

She before standing. Pulling on her coat she made her way out from the corner where she had sat. _Please look back please just one look that's all I need._ He watched her all the way to the door. At that moment she turned her head and took one longing look at him. Something was wrong. So very wrong and he promised him self he would do all he could to find out what it was and fix it. To put it right between them.


End file.
